Boy there's a lot to do around the house. I don't mean the normal, day-to-day cleaning. I mean that I have a project list that was at last count, approaching sixty items ranging from the simple (move artwork X from location A to B) to the massive and expensive (paint and resurface exterior of house). That's about sixty items not counting the ones that I've already completed, and I still haven't finished making the list. Some of the items are wishlist and some of them are nice to have - and I haven't set a budget yet - so I don't know how much will eventually get done.

The core of the projects that I've knocked off so far has just been to get the house clean and organized. The cleaning strategy that's apparently been applied to this place for years has been "out of sight, out of mind," so the closets and cupboards were just JAMMED with trash. I've hauled four 45 gallon trash bags out of the kitchen, hall closet and the bedroom closets. And there's more. Tons more. And then I get to start in on the closets in the downstairs bedroom. Oooh and then I get to clean the garage.

Ah, sweet day that will be.

Helena had done most of the decorating so in concert with the cleaning I've been trying to move my existing artwork and such around to fill in the gaps. It's hard to make things look good without redoing the lighting or painting, but I've gotten enough done that the place has started to feel like it was mine.

A shot of me at Universo Paralello 9, on the Goa stage:

Helena and I are separated. This isn't actually new news, but I haven't been able to figure out what I wanted to say publicly about it. I don't want to get into the specifics of what actually happened, so the only facts that I consider relevant are that I wound up with the house and dogs and that I'm extremely bitter and angry about how things went down.

Things have been very rough for me since I returned from Brazil. When I left, Helena was nominally still a presence in the house. She'd just moved out, but the place was still full of her stuff. Now, she's gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying being on my own. I'm finally free. With the exception of a brief, approximately year-long period right before Helena moved in with Aaron, this is the first time I've really been on my own. Ever. I love it. And unlike back then right now I'm actually OK with being on my own. One of the things I've learned from all of this is how much I was validating myself through my relationships.

Still this is a huge adjustment and it hasn't really been easy for me since I've returned. I lost my best friend, confidant, lover and partner in crime in this deal and while I'm slowly refilling those roles in my life, not having them all be the same person is just...weird. And of course, all of my old insecurities about meeting women have tried to resurface but I'm actually dealing with them this time, rather than trying to replace the relationship as quickly as I can.

I've also learned that I need to be a TON better about my boundaries in the future. For years, I've been stating that the majority of my anger and depression are due to repeated situations where people I trusted came into my life and then proceeded to take complete and utter advantage of me. It's been easy for me to deflect all of my crap onto other people, but while I was in Brazil I realized, wait a minute, who let all of those people into my life in the first place? Who let all of those situations get so far out of control? Who didn't listen to his gut feelings? Who didn't clearly set his boundaries up front? Yeah. So I guess I can't keep deflecting any more, after all. Well, hell.

For once I'm not running from my own shit, or burying it in a doomed relationship. It's hard work and I'm not necessarily the most stable while things are proceeding but it's all very liberating. And it's an interesting process to watch happen. I feel like I'm returning in many ways to being to person I was just before Helena and I met. When I was in the relationship with Helena, I spent so much time dealing with external issues, there was no time for my own work. To me, this sounds a lot like my artist friends who tell me that they never do any quality art when they're in a relationship. The metaprogrammer is reemerging. In my moments of despair at the end of the marriage, I'd thought that all that work I'd done on learning to change my own perceptions and thought patterns had atrophied away due to lack of use, but it turns out not to be the case.

I just finished reading the Motley Crue Confessions book and it turns out that I identified very strongly with Tommy Lee as he talked about his breakup with Pamela Anderson:

1. "If my head had been clearer, I would have given her a break and fucking loved myself instead of looking to other people for affirmation. But old habits are hard to break: I'd spent my whole life looking for myself in other people, looking for them to tell me who I was. And once I let them define me, I became completely dependent on them, because without them, I didn't exist." -Tommy Lee

I suppose I should wrap this up, since it's 4am and I should go back to tossing and turning.

Let's celebrate the day of change with some alien news:

Smallest known exoplanet may actually be Earth-mass: "The smallest planet around a normal star other than the Sun may be even smaller than first thought. A new analysis suggests the rocky body weighs just 1.4 Earths - less than half the original estimate. Observations over the next few months should test the prediction."

I'm trying to watch Firefly but I'm not sure if I like it or not. I mean, a *space western*? Complete with an actual train robbery? Puh-leeze. I mean, the series is entertaining and I'm already upset that there is only one season, but I just can't get past the universe that it's set in.

Also, when does the cute jailbait girl start kicking ass?

Oh, the horror.

I signed up for a Myspace account.

A panorama of Salvador as seen from the Pousada Redfish:

A few quick pictures of me in Brazil...

In Pelourinho, Salvador:




At Universo Paralello 9 near Ituberá, Bahia: